Healing from Church Hurt: Where Do We Begin?
This post is a continuation from the foundation we laid in the last couple of posts. If you haven't read them, make sure you go back and check it out! Today, I want to get practical about what it looks like to start down the road toward healing from church hurt or spiritual trauma.
Everyone's journey is different, especially when it comes to trauma, grief, and loss. Please don't take this list as a one-size fits all answer to church hurt. It's also not a fool proof guarantee of healing. These are just ideas from my own experience, that I hope might make a positive contribution in your process of sorting through, naming, and healing from church hurt...
1. Give Yourself Time
I can remember about a year and a half after I left vocational ministry, meeting with a trusted friend and mentor in a Starbucks. She is the rare kind of person who I could share my true thoughts with. And I said with frustration, "don't you think I should have figured this out by now?!" She looked back me with an understanding, "No..."
I'm not a very patient person. And church work didn't make that any better. There's a constant pressure to have the answers and have it all together. If you're going to acknowledge doubt or weakness, you usually have to be well on your way to figuring it out or overcoming the struggle.
But recovery from church hurt is not a quick process. It takes time to heal from spiritual trauma, and that’s okay. Don’t rush the process or feel pressured to return to "normal" quickly. What’s worse than taking the time to heal, is forcing or faking it. Artificially manufacturing the appearance of health, is putting on a mask that is eventually going to come off, whether you like it or not.
Healing is a journey, and each step you take—no matter how small—brings you closer to restoration.
I know as I say that, someone reading this may be thinking that time is a luxury they don't have. That their livelihood may necessitate them staying in a situation or going back into a situation, in order to put food on the table. I understand that, and I would say this is messy. It's complicated. And the journey is going to look different for everyone. As much as possible - give yourself space to process and heal.
Acknowledge the Pain
The first step in church hurt recovery is to acknowledge the hurt. Many of us want to minimize our pain or pretend it doesn’t exist. Maybe subconsciously, it feels too overwhelming to face. But healing begins when we honestly name the ways we’ve been hurt and allow ourselves to grieve. If you’ve been wounded by the church, it’s okay to admit it. It’s okay to feel angry, sad, or betrayed. Your hurt is valid.
We can't heal from the pain if we won't look it in the eye, express the emotions and hurts that we feel, process and pray through it, and Lord-willing, heal from the wounds that we've been left with.
Pray
I know… that's a cheesy Christian thing to say. A couple years ago, that's probably where I would have stopped reading this post and found something else to do. But prayer is cliche, because it's true. Who else can understand being wounded by God's people, more than Jesus? Who else was more wrongly accused, slandered, mistreated, and abused than Jesus? And yet, who loves the Church more than Jesus? No one.
Now... I'm not Jesus. And neither are you... don't take that as a Jesus Juke, a one line dismissal of your experience, or an encouragement to flippantly jump back into church life. Use wisdom and discretion as you process through re-engaging with the Church. But also...
Think Hebrews 4:15 - Jesus is able to empathize with anything we're going through. It's really hard to find people who are willing to listen to us process and able to handle our hurts and doubts from Church hurt. But God is available 24/7. He knows the people and the details. He won't get bored or sick of hearing about it. We can talk to Him about it all day long. I'm not talking about Sunday school prayers.
I'm talking about lament - talking to God about things that should not happen that are realities in our world. Bringing them up before God, lamenting them, asking God why He's allowing it to happen, standing on His promises, and asking God to change them.
I'm talking about Psalm 13-type prayers. Laying out all of our emotions, all of our anger, all of our doubts before God. Unfiltered - in a way that might feel like it crosses over the line into somewhat disrespectful at times.
I'm talking about maybe cussing in your prayers. Not because I want to celebrate irreverence, but I believe God wants our whole hearts. I think He can appreciate when His kids come to him in complete authenticity, completely unfiltered. There's a level of intimacy that happens when we are fully authentic before God.
I'm talking about praying James 1:5. "Make it make sense, God." Ask God to give you insight and show how to come to grips with what you've experienced, how to heal from it, and where you go from here.
There's no one we can or should talk to more about our church hurt than God. But also, make sure you're creating empty space to LISTEN to God, as well.
There's no one we need to hear from more than God, either. And I believe He can minister to your heart and mind, if you give Him the space.
This post is longer than I thought, so I'm going to break here... stay tuned for the next set of ideas in the next post!
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